


to want more would be

by foreverautumn



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Internal Conflict, M/M, Pining, a lot of it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-19
Updated: 2016-03-19
Packaged: 2018-05-27 15:32:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,035
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6290038
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/foreverautumn/pseuds/foreverautumn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Whether he is snatched from the sky and eaten or simply passes on in the night, his fate remains the same; he had belonged to Eren all along.</p>
            </blockquote>





	to want more would be

The phrase _'falling in love'_ has always been meaningless to Levi; 'falling' gives the impression that it’s sudden, a loss of control, when in fact it is the opposite.

Or maybe it’s just his own circumstance that has defied logic, or Eren himself that has - and he has, in more ways than this, more important ways than this - Levi’s infatuation is rather insignificant, in the grand scheme of things.

The stutter of his breath, the quickening of his pulse, these are all minute things, mere reactions that Levi is unable to control. But he does not curse them, nor embrace them; they simply are, these feelings that curl like tendrils around his heart. One day Levi’s certain there won’t be anything visible but these, winded thick about his heart until the life is rended from him. Even then, he won’t curse them.

But he lets himself dream of embracing them, at times. They are weak moments, but for all the ways Levi is strong, no man can claim he is truly without weakness. He’d told Eren this, once.

He can still remember the broken look in those eyes, the wetness staining his cheeks. Even so, Eren’s gaze had burned Levi, the fire licking at his insides too strong to be dampened by tears.

_"How can I get rid of it? I can’t be weak,"_ he had said, hands grasping at his knees, knuckles as white as his bared teeth. Levi hadn’t been able to answer him, not until he’d risen and cast his gaze outside the darkened window.

_"You can’t."_

He’d waited, listened to Eren’s labored breathing until it slowed. If he’d closed his eyes, he could have envisioned the way Eren’s fingers would eventually relax, one by one, the way they'd loosely curl about his knees.

The strength always remains, beneath the surface; Eren grabs hold of those things he holds dear and never lets go. Perhaps it is foolish to entertain the thought Levi might be one of those things.

No, it’s nothing like falling but everything like sinking, and if he were a lesser man he’s sure he’d be driven mad, by both the wholeness of his desire and the agony of it.

If he’s honest, he can’t be certain he hasn’t gone mad already; something’s fractured inside, not just because of Eren, but before. Levi’s been ruined before Eren ever knew him and he will be until the end, his body beneath the dirt and his heart lost to the winding vines, eaten up by them.

Can a man die from love?

Levi almost laughs at the thought. This is why it’s called love-sickness, probably. It sounds so juvenile, the word, the more he repeats it in his mind.

_Lovesick_. Images of faceless girls twisting their fingers together as boys pass by silently dance through Levi’s head, and he does laugh, at the ridiculousness, the stupidity, he laughs because even so, it is a sickness. One without hope for a cure, that can’t be diagnosed until after he’s dead and gone. He wants to shout it on his dying breath, to tattoo it across the skin above his heart - _my heart is not mine_ \- so they look inside and see, ah - _it was not his._

Whether he is snatched from the sky and eaten or simply passes on in the night, his fate remains the same; he had belonged to Eren all along.

The curve of his smile and the light in his eyes, the sound of his laughter and the warmth of his hands - so brief, all of it so brief, yet the racing of Levi’s heart goes on long after. He cannot latch onto any one cause of these feelings anymore; they spiral further out of reach the more he attempts to examine them, continuing to sink, deeper, consumed.

There is no part of Eren that doesn’t affect Levi. His happiness and his sorrow, both so present inside of him, his determination and his frailty - they all affect Levi as if they were his own, and he supposes it’s because -

There is no part of Eren that isn’t important.

To Levi himself, certainly - but to the world -

Levi has taken on his mantle of strength, but Eren, though he has weakness, like any man - Levi believes.

Somewhere along the way he has placed his hope in this one solitary person, and it seems so foolish, but Eren has that effect. He is more than Levi’s dreams of him, and Levi loves him even more for it. Eren has given everything, his blood and tears and screams, and has asked for nothing in return.

If it were possible to die of love, Levi would surely already be dead, for his love has festered and grown so that Levi’s useless without it. A sickness of the most unrelenting kind, that can only be treated but never ridden of.

Seeing Eren alive - so beautiful and strong and alive - it is enough; Levi will not allow himself to want more.

Yet he does, in the shadows of his heart. He not only wants more, but everything, longs for it so deeply his body quakes and his lips part, though no words pass through them, the resounding silence an echo of his own heart, rendered voiceless.

But it must be enough, what Eren gives him. Levi cannot play the part of a fool, he knows he is one of those things Eren holds dear. And it is both remarkably wonderful and terrible, to know the depths with which Eren cares for him. It makes him yearn more, to dream, but more than that, feel he is carrying some deep, terrible secret, kept from the one person he's grown to trust more than anyone.

Still, to confess it, the burden of it cast upon Eren's shoulders - that is the one thing Levi would never do, precisely because of the spot he knows he holds in Eren's own heart. To take advantage of that, to try to gain something from it for his own selfish reasons, the very idea of it disgusts Levi.

And so Levi will keep it as his own, for it is not something he can entrust to another, even Eren himself; he could not give it up, either, for all of the pain it has caused him, because loving Eren - it is the best part of himself.

Eren has changed him, even softened him in ways, but in the end has only bettered him. It's happened so naturally that Levi's never even gotten a chance to thank him for it.

It is an honor to love Eren as he does. Simply knowing Eren the way he does, for the time that he has, being able to hold this love in his heart - it is something Levi does not wish to give up. He would live a hundred years, just like this, Eren by his side, and think himself blessed.

Such thoughts as these, even, are not to be; Levi has forgotten he does not lead that type of life. 

\--

When he wakes, it is akin to being in a fog; he blinks, once, twice, more times than he can count, and still he cannot shake it. The ceiling is a darkened blur and his hands, Levi can't quite find the strength to lift.

He settles for his fingers, first, the tiniest of movements. The scritch of his fingers against the sheets is dull, distant, but Levi cannot bring himself to stop.

Something is wrong, terribly wrong, though he can't pinpoint what it is. They've given him something - a lot of things, most likely, judging by the fogginess willing him to close his eyes - his injuries must be extensive, but what they are, he doesn't remember.

When he parts his lips, to call out for someone or simply to run his tongue along the cracked skin, he freezes, fingers stilling against the sheets.

His head is swimming, and he cannot fight the urge to let his eyelids fall shut. It almost feels like floating, now, but Levi can better focus on lifting his arm, just slightly, fingers stretching upwards toward his face. It's slow motion, or perhaps he's not moving at all, merely dreaming, until - 

His fingers curl against the thick wrapping about his neck, trembling as they traverse the length of it. Endless, his fingers dance upon it, searching for skin they do not find, not until he drags them up, grazing his chin.

There is no sound save for the rushing in his ears, the cacophony of his heart in his chest; he keeps his eyes closed in an attempt to ground himself but the spinning won't stop, nor the noise. His fingers slip down again to grasp at the bandage, uselessly tugging at it, and it's then that he hears something else - 

_Don't!_

\- the rush of steps across wood, the warmth of another hand guiding his own away from his neck. He does not know if it is merely his delirium, but he knows before opening his eyes that he will see Eren there.

His mind could surely do a better job at conjuring Eren; he appears pale and haggard, yet undeniably relieved as he squeezes Levi's hand. It's warm, like his eyes. Levi wonders if maybe he is here, after all.

"You're going to be okay," Eren says, the words drifting strangely around Levi's mind as he watches Eren move to sit down in a nearby chair. He lets go of Levi's hand in the process, but he isn't able to voice his discontent.

Eren pulls the chair closer, rests his hand on Levi's arm. He cannot help but close his eyes, though he wishes for Eren to continue talking. 

Whether Eren could tell this somehow or not, he does. "You're going to be okay," he repeats shakily.

Is it a lie? Levi's tongue feels thick in his mouth, everything below so very heavy. He forces himself to open his eyes, meeting Eren's gaze.

"I promise," he says. He pauses, eyes flickering down to watch Levi's other hand slowly rise, fingers carefully finding their way to his neck once again. The fingers on Levi's arm dig in, probably without Eren meaning to. Levi welcomes the feeling.

Eren remains silent as Levi prods his way around, more carefully this time. There is a dull ache and a tightness, though Levi cannot grasp onto either sensation for very long. The press of Eren's hand is more real to him.

When he stops, letting his hand rest motionlessly there, Eren speaks again.

"It's bad, and-- you know it's bad." Eren's fingers squeeze around his arm again. "But they say you're gonna recover, it'll--" Eren's voice wavers when Levi meets his eyes again. "It's gonna take a long time, but they say you will, okay? So don't-- don't make that face."

Levi doesn't know what expression he could possibly be making; it's Eren's that concerns him. There's wetness in his eyes, a quiver to his lips, and Levi -

He's never wanted to tell Eren more how he loves him. Is it the desperate wish of a man who's had a brush with death, or a man who's been a coward all along?

It's like slow motion again, as Levi raises his hand. This time he brings it to Eren's face, the back of his hand clumsily brushing against Eren's cheek. His knuckles are stained with tears a moment later, the stuttered breath that's escaped Eren's lips not unfamiliar.

"You don't get to do that," Eren mutters, tilting his head into the touch. "I'm supposed to be comforting you."

Levi doesn't want to die with these threads woven about his heart - looking at Eren's face now, how could he ever deign to keep it from him? It is not the hope of reciprocation that drives him, but the desire for Eren to know how strongly, how deeply he is loved, cared for and treasured - indescribably so.

Levi closes his eyes, lets Eren cry as he runs a thumb against his cheek. The ache beneath the bandage grows, steady and constant.

Even if he never gets to tell him, at the very least, Levi will make sure Eren never has to cry for him again.

**Author's Note:**

> I just wanted to write Levi being painfully in love with Eren... to the point where it's probably doing more harm than good. Also yes it's open-ended.
> 
> ...honestly I don't know how to feel about this fic but I'm just putting it out there (and hopefully not regretting it too much later) Thanks for reading, and for reading these ramblings too...!


End file.
